


I’ve been waiting for you.

by perpetuumclausus



Category: Sarah Paulson - Fandom
Genre: F/F, LGBT, Marriage, Miscarriage, Pregnancy, h/c, pregnancy loss
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-03-16
Updated: 2019-06-08
Packaged: 2019-11-19 00:35:27
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 15
Words: 7,262
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18128609
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/perpetuumclausus/pseuds/perpetuumclausus
Summary: Hi, this is something I wrote in the fall of 2018. Some chapters are very short, but I have plenty more. Thanks for reading!





	1. Ch. 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hi, this is something I wrote in the fall of 2018. Some chapters are very short, but I have plenty more. Thanks for reading!

The days had been busy, she'd been gone so much and you knew she couldn't help that. Sarah loved you, you two were married for crying out loud. You, a very famous author also kept busy. Often being away for inspiration or writing. You expected the call when you two had the conversation and the made decision. You'd agreed to compromise. Sarah didn't want to carry a baby. Not only did she think you made a better candidate because of your age difference, but she knew her career could be physically demanding, while you had a different career path. Although you insisted the two of you use Sarah's egg. Sarah was unsure, not knowing if the were in the right condition, but after treatments and testing - and one of the best fertility doctors out there, everything was a go.

The first try didn't work and that had been heartbreaking. Sarah told you that you could take as much time as you needed, but you didn't want to waste time. You tried not to get your hopes up. Sarah encouraged you, but you were terrified that it wouldn't take. The doctor assured you both that it had nothing to do with Sarah's eggs - even though she worried about it and felt guilty. You both had put your bodies through a lot. Sarah had been getting the hormone injections - you both had. You'd both stopped drinking and Sarah would only smoke fake cigarettes on set now.

That night, though, she came home not knowing what condition she'd find you in. "Ba-" she stopped herself. "Honey?" she called. "Hi sweetheart, how was work?" you asked her. "Tiring, I'm so hungry," Sarah exclaimed. "I know we're juicing, but what if we had Chinese tonight, just once?" You laughed a little and came out of the bathroom. Sarah figured you would tell her if it didn't work. "Yeah sure, you deserve it, my busy lady," you said, placing your hand on her shoulder and a peck on her lips. Sarah picked up the menu from the kitchen drawer and scanned it. "Hey, Sar?" you asked, placing your hand on her arm. "I need to look for my card to pay, can you go grab my phone from the bathroom? I have a coupon on there." She nodded, placing a kiss on the side of your head and took off. She picked up your phone and it didn't take long for her eyes to wonder. "No!" you suddenly heard and you felt a thousand butterflies fill your stomach. She came out running into the kitchen. "You! What, the fuck?" Sarah stammered. "You little shit," she laughed. "Are you sure?" she asked, shock plastered onto her face. Sarah held the test up and screamed, wrapping her arms around you and picking you up. She sighed happily and set you back down, being extra gentle. "There's a baby," Sarah said softly, a glow in her eyes. "There is," you confirmed, beaming too. I did that - we did that!" she whispered. "You need food! We're having a person, they need food!" Sarah insisted. You laughed softly.

"Oh my God, I ate so much and I'm not even the pregnant one," she said, curling into you. You took her hand, graciously squeezing. Sarah buried her face in your shoulder and smiled softly against your skin. "I'm so happy," she whispered. "I'm happy too, sweetheart," you said, stroking her hair gently. "A baby," she whispered. "There's a real baby." You smiled softly, continuing to play with her hair. "I need to get to bed before I pass out here and hurt my back on this couch again." You agreed and the two of you moved to the bedroom. Sarah snuggled into you and turned out the lights. "Mmmm," Sarah mumbled. You smiled softly when she pressed her palm against your stomach. "There's a baby," she whispered. "There's a teeny, tiny baby," Sarah said again and you could tell by her tone of voice that it made her emotional. "It's your baby, you sweet lady," you reminded your wife. "Our baby. It was all worth it. Every cent, every shot, every weird cleanse," Sarah said, her words dripping with pure joy.


	2. Ch. 2

That joy continued for a few weeks. You experienced some nausea and when you went for your first appointment, you thought Sarah would pass out. She was hoping and praying you both could see your baby. So, when the doctor asked you to lay down, Sarah stood beside you, holding your hand. She squeezed your hand tightly as the doctor located the baby - a very small round blob on the screen. "This is your baby," the doctor explained. "It's a little too early to hear the heart, but you can see it flickering." Sarah's eyes filled with tears. "My God," she breathed. She kissed the side of your face. You looked at the screen and then to her, tears streaming down your face. Sarah kissed you softly and the two of you went home with many photos of your "blob". Sarah proudly showed the baby off to all of her friends, already bought witty onesies, and couldn't stop talking about all the hopes and dreams she had for your child.

Sarah's work got hectic though, and she happened to be in Toronto filming something. First, it was just some back pain. When you saw the blood though, after waking up in the middle of the night, you'd panicked. You didn't know who to call or what to do, but you knew that much blood couldn't be normal. You got up and called the first person you could think of that you knew would be in the area. You'd recently bonded with Evan at a meeting and you knew he would probably be on a break, shooting in Hollywood and could afford the time to help you.

"Holy - " he cut himself off when he saw all the blood. You swallowed hard, trying to stay calm. He took your hand and helped you into the car, on towels. "I don't want to ruin your car, I'm so sorry." He looked at you, clearly concerned. "That's not even - that's the last thing on my mind right now." You took a deep breath, feeling the panic set in as Evan flew out of the driveway.

He helped you inside and got you checked in. He stayed as long as he could - but had to go back before you'd gotten a solid answer. "If you need me to come back after I get out - even if it's three in the morning, you call me," Evan firmly reminded you.

It was an hour later when the doctor finally came in. He had a somber expression on his face and you could feel your heart plummeting. What you feared the most had happened. "I'm so sorry, Ms. You have miscarried." Panic spread through you and the aching feeling in your chest wouldn't let up. You covered your mouth with your hand - thankful when the doctor grabbed a bedpan for you.


	3. Ch. 3

You hadn't realized it, but Evan had contacted Sarah, and she took the first plane out of Toronto. You couldn't stomach the thought of having to break the news to Sarah. You were in a nightmare of your own. You texted Evan the update and that's when he told you that your wife would be there soon. He let you know that he hadn't outright told her about why you'd been put in the hospital and that had sent Sarah into a panic of her own.

The flight had been agony - but Sarah arrived at the hospital a few hours later. Of course, you'd felt as if you'd cried out every tear in your body. Sarah found your room and gently knocked on the door. She knew the most logical reason for you being there, but the uncertainty made her fear her heart would pound out of her chest. "Hi angel," she greeted you, the tiniest of smiles on her face. You looked at her with tired and red eyes. Sarah's eyes filled with tears as she climbed into bed with you. You couldn't wrap your arms around her fast enough and a small sob left your mouth. Sarah gripped you gently - feeling the physical pain of the revelation ripple through her body. "Sorry, I couldn't do it," you finally whispered. She rubbed your back softly. "That isn't your fault. Listen to me, this isn't your fault," Sarah said, trying to stifle her crying. "I'm so so sorry, my love," she tearfully apologized.


	4. Ch. 4

Getting past the initial loss was excruciating. Sarah stayed as strong as she could - for you. The two of you spent a few months in Toronto - you both had nightmares after the tragic incident. Once Sarah's movie wrapped - the day after, actually, she took you on an anniversary date.

"So, I wanted to share something with you," she said, smiling a tiny bit. You looked up, offering a small smile yourself. "I want to - well, you should know that I actually rejected the offer for that indie movie Sandy wanted me to help her with," she revealed. "Oh honey, you didn't have to do that. I'm fine! Hell - I could just follow you anywhere," you teased, taking your wife's hand. "I want to have a baby," Sarah stated. You looked at your wife, swallowing hard. "So, the cheesecake looks really good," you said, holding up the dessert menu. "Listen to me, love," Sarah said, taking the menu from your hand. "Look at me. I want to have a baby. I want to carry the baby. I know it's a lot of work - but if I have a good team of doctors and you know that fertility treatments are so good these days, I probably could, right? I could take off for a year or so, and I could do it. I'm healthy enough," Sarah pointed out, trying her best to convince you. You were anything but convinced. "There are - so, so many ways this could hurt you - hurt us," you expressed worriedly. Sarah watched you carefully. "I can do this, I know I can," she whispered. You looked down at the table cloth, really not wanting to say what you were thinking out loud. "Honey, I don't want to hurt you, I mean - I know people are having kids older and older now, but -" you stopped. She did look a little hurt. "If I do this now, I can still do this. I know you think I'm too old," Sarah admitted, a slight coldness to her voice. "I don't want you to get hurt, Sarah," you finally said, sighing softly. She already looked hurt. "I can't do this without you," she reminded you, squeezing your hands. You had your fears - you had lost a pregnancy so early on, and you were a lot younger than your wife. She'd have an even greater chance of something going array. You worried for her for so many reasons. Sarah looked at you expectantly. "I want to. I want to have a baby - so, so badly," she insisted. You took a deep breath and kissed the back of your wife's hand. Sarah wanted a baby and nothing would stop her or change her mind.


	5. Ch. 5

You two had one major disagreement. You wanted Sarah to use her egg and Sarah wanted to use yours. You had your concerns, but you finally got your wife to agree to use her own. You knew the road to getting Sarah pregnant would be tricky. You had the same dedication that Sarah did when you were trying. "This stuff is so yucky," she said, making a face after setting down a cup of green juice. You laughed, your phone in your hand as you recorded your wife. "It boosts your fertility, honey. This is what you agreed to," you teased and laughed. She made another face before pretending to gag herself for the camera.

The first time didn't work, but Sarah tried to stay positive. "We'll try again! It's okay," she said, wanting to reassure you more than anything else. "I'm okay, I'm okay," she reminded you, squeezing you tightly.

Round two didn't go much differently. "It's okay, baby," Sarah said, pushing a piece of your hair back.

She'd had some doubts when round three didn't do the trick, and you were very upset about it. Even though she desperately tried to hide it, you could tell it hurt her too. She started to question whether her body could even do it.

And then it happened.


	6. Ch. 6

It started with a call on set. Sarah did smaller acting gigs here and there, between her larger projects. She'd forgotten that the results would even be coming in that day. "Hi," she answered her phone. "I'm so sorry - but I'm shooting. Can this wait?" she asked. "Ms. Paulson? It's Dr. Fone." Sarah listened for a brief second. "Oh, okay. Sure, one second please," she told the doctor. "Two minutes, so sorry!" she told the crew, before retreating back to her dressing room. 

"Okay, sorry. I'm here," she confirmed. "I'm filling in for Dr. How," the doctor explained. "Oh, sure," she started to say. "Are you sitting?" the doctor asked. "I am," Sarah confirmed, a bit confused. "Ms. Paulson - looks like the fourth time's the charm. Congratulations, you're pregnant!" The words echoed through Sarah's mind. She moved the hand that hadn't been holding the phone to her stomach. She couldn't yell or cry - or even move. "It's - I'm?" she asked. "You are. The doctor wants to see you in two weeks. Just to make sure everything's going normally." She still couldn't believe it. "Thank you so much for your call. Have a wonderful day," Sarah said before hanging up. She got up carefully as if she'd hurt the baby by moving too quickly. "You stay in there, you hear me?" she whispered, moving her hand from her stomach.

Sarah bought a grand total of three pregnancy tests and took them all at a friend's. She covered her mouth in complete disbelief as each one came up positive. A while later, she came home and took it upon herself to order Chinese food. "I thought we were drinking that green shit," you said when you smelled the food. "I thought we'd eat something better, a baby can't exactly grow on 'green shit'," she teased. Your head turned and you saw the tears in your wife's eyes and the radiant smile on her face. "Oh, Sarah," you gasped, wasting no time in wrapping your arms around her. She finally let out a soft and happy cry. You stroked the back of your wife's hair. Sarah moved her hand to her flat stomach. "This is insane!" she exclaimed, laughing and crying at the same time. You pulled away and pressed your lips to your wife's. 

Sarah rubbed her palm over her abdomen once you both broke away. "I'm having a baby," she confirmed, smiling brightly. She started to cry again and you placed your hand on her face, cupping her cheek. You wiped a few stray tears from her face with your thumb and watched as she leaned into your touch. "We're having a baby," she cried softly, rubbing your arm with her hand. You kissed her forehead, holding your wife gently.


	7. Ch. 7

Going to the first appointment was surreal for both of you. Sarah had been walking around again as if the baby would fall out if she moved the wrong way. You couldn't blame her after everything that happened, but you still didn't want her to worry. She'd given things up to do this - you both had.

"Any symptoms?" Dr. How asked. You looked at Sarah and watched as she laughed a little. "I have crying episodes," she revealed, although it sounded much more like a question. She leaned her head back and laughed a little. "She cries over commercials, shows, inanimate objects - literally anything," you exposed, giving Sarah a look. Sarah laughed and admitted it all with a nod. The doctor let you know that it was completely normal.

When Sarah moved back and watched the doctor perform the ultrasound, she reached for your hand. She crossed her fingers with her other hand, wiggling a little when the doctor put the gel on her stomach. The doctor started to look and eventually turned the screen to face both of you. "See that? The flickering is the heartbeat and that is your baby." You stared in disbelief. You were so happy that you could both be there for that moment. You squeezed Sarah's hand and kissed the back of it. She'd started crying - tears spilling down her cheeks. Sarah wiped her eyes, giving your hand a warm squeeze at the same time. She took a shaky breath once the doctor handed her a tissue. "The baby looks perfect, but because of a few conditions we will be referring you to a high-risk doctor," she explained. Sarah sniffled again, understanding why they had to, of course - but still hormonal over the change. "It's the best thing for your baby," the doctor assured you two. Sarah gave the doctor a hug goodbye and thanked her so many times.


	8. Ch. 8

The next few weeks consisted of writing, for you - and trying to accommodate to life with a pregnant partner. Sarah was very emotional and very sick. You were both relieved once the morning sickness hit - you both knew that it had to mean that the baby had started to develop properly. You just didn't think that either of you knew how often Sarah would be bent over the toilet, bowl or bucket to empty the contents of her stomach.

Your wife had just finished retching into the toilet when you poked your head in the doorway. She had a palm pressed against her still flat stomach and a trail of tears streaming down her cheeks. You knelt down beside her, rubbing your hand down her back and pulling her in close. "I'm sorry you're so sick," you whispered, smoothing out her loose hairs. "I'm even more sorry that the toilet is dirty again," Sarah answered hoarsely.


	9. Ch. 9

Sarah stripped to get in the shower that morning. Her skin felt a little agitated, it had been lately. That particular day though, when she looked in the full body mirror - she saw it. She covered her mouth with her hand, her eyes landing on the tiny bump that had taken over her once flat stomach.

That night when you came home, you knew something was up. Sarah was walking around in lingerie when you got home. Your wife could be weird, but that seemed unusual - even for Sarah. "Sweetheart!" she called. "I need to show you this," she said, meeting you out in the kitchen. "Look," she said, smiling proudly. You saw it right away. You laughed happily, a little amazed and reached out to touch your wife's bump. "That's a baby," she whispered. You kissed Sarah gently and got down, peppering kisses over her teeny bump. "I love you so much," you whispered, giving your wife a big kiss. Sarah's hand wandered under your shirt, carefully unhooking your bra. It fell to the floor as her hands started to explore your chest. "You sure?" you asked. Sarah had been very worried about doing anything that would pose a risk to her current condition. "Mhm," she mumbled, pulling you in closer. You eyed your wife watchfully. Sarah moved your hands under her shirt, revealing that she hadn't worn a bra. She smiled against your lips, pulling you into the bedroom with her. She mumbled softly and moved her hand up your side slowly, trailing her fingertips behind. Once the two of you got to the bedroom, she pulled you down and gently nuzzled you.

Hours later, you were hazily tracing hearts against Sarah's abdomen as she slept. You hoped you'd made her happy - made her feel loved. You couldn't love anyone more than you loved your wife.


	10. Ch. 10

Sarah continued progressing, thankfully, and as the pregnancy progressed Sarah let her guard down a bit. You would never forget the look of astonishment on her face when she felt the baby flutter for the first time. "Oh my God," she exclaimed. "Baby, this is crazy! It's like a moth in my stomach," Sarah excitedly explained. "You mean a butterfly?" you asked with a gentle and teasing laugh. "Hey - I'm feeling our child move here - have you?" she asked, but cut herself off shortly after. "Honey," she said, instantly feeling guilty. Your eyes filled with tears. "Sarah, that was your baby too," you hissed through your teeth. Sarah wiped her eyes, still very hormonal. "I know," she said with a soft sniffle. "Then why don't you care?" you stammered. "It's - I don't think about that baby. It's hard to remember when I'm having this one," she explained, placing a hand on her stomach. "You're unbelievable," you retorted. You didn't mean to go off on your wife like that, not to mention in her state - but you'd bottled it up for too long. "Why are you getting mad? I made a mistake. It isn't anyone's fault that we lost the pregnancy," Sarah said a little loudly, emotions rising. "But maybe it was yours," you spat. Sarah looked at you, more confused than anything. She moved her hand from her stomach and shifted a little in her chair. "What the fuck are you talking about?" Sarah spat back, her voice laced with disgust. "It doesn't matter," you quickly retracted. "You forgot what the plan -" you started to say, before being cut off by Sarah again. "And I repeat, what the fuck did /I/ do to cause you to lose the pregnancy?" You could feel your blood boiling at Sarah's tone. "It was a /baby/, Sarah! We were having a baby! I had a baby inside me too, all the shit you're going through - I was supposed to, too. We had a plan. I carry them. You - you're older. It's riskier for you to carry them. Using - your eggs is risky," you finally said out of frustration. Sarah's eyes burned with fiery resentment. "If it's my fault then why am I the one that's four months pregnant?" she asked in a condescending tone, placing a hand on her bump protectively. "Mind you, with /my own/ egg," she added powerfully. Sarah hadn't realized how harsh her words had sounded as she watched you. Your face crumpled and you got up, wiping your tears as you left. Sarah sighed softly and got up carefully, following after you. "Honey, I didn't mean that I really didn't, okay? I love you, come on." The comment about being too old to have a baby hurt, but at the end of the day, she'd gotten pregnant and stayed pregnant - while you hadn't.

You were on the bedroom floor, devastated by the fight. "Sweetheart," you heard once your wife came in through the bathroom door. "Look at me, I'm sorry. I'm sorry that having this baby is hurting you. I'm sorry that you lost our baby, I'm sorry that - I'm not sensitive to your needs. When we lost the baby I held it together for you, I loved that baby - and I'm so sorry you never got to experience any of this with the baby you were carrying." You rubbed your eyes and watched as Sarah pulled you into her embrace. "I'm sorry for saying you couldn't do this when we both know you're strong enough to handle anything," you whispered, your voice breaking. Sarah gently rubbed your back and stroked your hair. "It wasn't easy, sweetheart. Nothing ever is, but we did it together." You pulled away a little to move your hand to your wife's stomach. "I love you for having the courage, strength, and endurance to do this," you assured your wife. Sarah hugged you tightly. "It's me. Not your egg. I don't know what's wrong with me. Pregnancy looks incredible on you. You look so radiant and I'm so glad that this baby is doing so well," you reminded Sarah, moving your hand over her bump. "And that you're healthy, with no complications. But sometimes when I see you hurling or getting excited about buttercup moving and - I can't help remembering I was supposed to be the one doing." Sarah stroked your cheek, leaning into the warm feeling of your skin against her abdomen. "You are just as much a part of this. This is your baby, okay?" You moved your fingertips over your wife's soft skin. "We made this baby together. Without you and your love, I never would've wanted this," Sarah said softly, taking your hand. "We are both the parents of this tiny sweetheart. Nothing can change that, okay?"

You dozed off that night with your hand over your wife's stomach and her hand over yours; your ear near her chest and your free arm tangled around her side, her warmth and heartbeat lulling you to sleep.


	11. Ch. 11

"Baby, baby, baby," you heard through a haze. "Is everything okay?" you mumbled sleepily. Sarah looked at you with expectant eyes. "I really, really need a pepperoni roll."

You didn't rest until that lady got her food, happily making a mess of it in the bed you both shared. The food cravings went on for quite some time, but you never ever tired of getting your wife whatever would make her happy.

"You look huge," you commented as you watched your wife get dressed for a gala. "Hey, be nice! I stopped at Wendy's on my way home. They only ever give us champagne at these things," she explained. "I'm too pregnant for champagne, love," Sarah added, giving you a serious look. "Are you sure you don't want to go?" she asked again. "The red carpet loves pregnant women, I'm going to be such a hit," Sarah added again, smiling teasingly. You smiled fondly, pulling her in close and pressing a gentle kiss to your wife's tummy. "I wish you could stay at home with me." Sarah pouted momentarily. "I hope someone sells Girl Scout Cookies, I'll be the next Leo DiCaprio," she joked. You smiled fondly again. "I have so much work to do, otherwise I would - I promise." She gave you a kiss on the head and headed off to her event while you spent the night working on your writing.

When you heard the loud knock several hours later, you knew Sarah had forgotten her keys. She'd been getting more and more scatterbrained. You got up and opened the door, wanting to get her inside quickly. You opened the door to Zachary, - Quinto helping your very deliriously exhausted wife step inside. "Sarah ate four boxes of thin mints." Sarah kept her eyes shut. "Zach, I swear if you even mention the C word - I will throw up," she threatened, swallowing hard. You tried not to laugh but had a difficult time concealing it. "This is not funny!" Sarah protested, leaning against you while Zachary went back to the car to grab your wife's other cookie purchases. You pushed some hair out of her face and laughed fondly when you noticed the stray cookie crumbs against her lips, unable to fight your urge to peck her lips as gently as you possibly could. "So minty," you whispered, watching your wife's lips turn into a pout. "Let's get you to bed. Sarah, I can't believe you wore heels!" Zachary dropped off the bag - an assortment of Girl Scout Cookies. "Thanks for taking care of my lady," you told him shortly before he left.

You finally led Sarah to bed, where she flopped back. "Shoes, baby," she reminded you. "Let's get these off," you agreed. You carefully released your wife's feet. "That feels so good," she cooed. You rubbed your hands over her feet, trailing your hands to peel your wife's tights. "You're swollen, honey." Sarah remained still, covering her face with one hand as she became one with the pillow. "Too early for that," she mumbled. "You've been on your feet all night," you reminded her. You peeled away the tights and threw them on the floor. "Up, baby. You aren't going to fall asleep in a dress that probably costs a fraction of your car." Sarah groaned but cooperated, helping you take off the dress. You helped her into a comfortable and big t-shirt before moving her back into place. She wrapped an arm around herself, curling up. You set down your work, closing up your laptop and made sure to feed the cats before crawling into bed behind your wife. You left a gentle kiss against the back of her neck and slipped your arm around her, allowing it to rest against her stomach. She leaned back into you, enjoying your warmth against her back. She moved your hand under her t-shirt and against the swell of her abdomen. "Magic fingers," Sarah mumbled quietly as you started to rub small circles onto her skin. You gave the side of her head a kiss. "It's going to be so great once we can feel the baby while we do this," you stated. Sarah opened her eyes slightly. "I can feel cookie fragments moving in my stomach right now. I'd be embarrassed about it - but we've been together for too long to care about anything," she murmured, looking at you hazily. "Are you trying to tell me that you're pregnant with a giant thin mint?" you teased. Sarah mumbled incoherently. "I want to kiss the shit out of you, but I'm so comfy," she whispered. "Just stay, you need rest. My lips will be just as kissable tomorrow." Sarah gave you a sleepy smile and leaned back into your touch again, before surrendering to her exhaustion at last.


	12. Ch. 12

You were such a fan of lazy days. Getting to wake beside your wife - neither of you having anywhere to go. On that particular day, you'd woken up before your wife and rolled over, nestling into her back. Sarah woke briefly, curling up against your chest.

She woke for good hours later, smiling once she saw your eyes open too. "Hi," you greeted sleepily. "I'm finally hungry again," Sarah said. She crawled over you a little and pressed a few kisses to your neck. "Not for food?" you asked curiously. "Food - always, but I'm feeling guilty about last night, let me make it up to you," she explained, nipping at your neck a bit. At that point, your wife's stomach protested with a loud grumble and you both had to laugh. "I hear you. I know," you said with a soft smile on your face. Yu slipped your hand under your wife's shirt, rubbing your hand gently over her bump. "I don't care if I'm hungry. I want love," Sarah whined, leaning down and trying to kiss you. "Food is love," you pointed out, a smirk on your face. "I need you," she spoke again. "Inside me," your wife continued, crawling close enough to whisper in your ear. "Immediately." You saw the look in her eyes and knew she wouldn't let you go for anything. You kissed your wife, biting her lip gently as she deepened the kiss. It didn't take long for you to flip Sarah over, needing to make sure that she felt comfortable. You peppered kisses down her chest and stomach until you made it exactly where she'd wanted you to go.

"You're the best," Sarah complimented a while later. You smiled and kissed her briefly. "Now food," you insisted. "Jack In The Box?" she asked hopefully. "Whatever your pretty little heart desires."


	13. Ch. 13

Sarah had taken off work for the day. Hospitals always made you nervous - especially after the miscarriage; especially when the OB/GYN referred your wife to a high-risk doctor. She tried to make you both feel better about it by assuring you they had to refer her elsewhere because of the IVF. You both knew the real reason why and didn't talk about it.

"We know I'm healthy enough to get pregnant," Sarah pointed out, gesturing to the medium-sized baby bump underneath her jacket. "And to keep the pregnancy," you agreed softly, although it stung a little to say. She gave you a small and sympathetic smile. It didn't take long for her to grab your hand in the elevator. "I just want both of you to be safe, so we can get the hell out of here," you said, pulling your wife in close to you. She kissed the side of your head. "Relax, it's going to be okay, love," she reminded you. 

"I'm Dr. Kennerly," the bright-eyed middle age doctor said as she introduced herself. "And you are.." she paused, glancing at the records. "This is Sarah, she's the patient," you offered. "That's me and that's my wife," she stated proudly. "Congratulations, did it take very long for you to get pregnant?" the doctor asked. "A few rounds, but it went okay," she said with a shrug. "I'm sure your doctor has explained to you that pregnancies can be high risk for a multitude of reasons. Fertility treatments, pre-existing health problems, genetic conditions, and so many other reasons," the doctor explained kindly with a gentle laugh. You both tried to be polite. "So why exactly am I here?" Sarah asked, a bit of apprehension to her words. "You two used IVF to conceive, right?" the doctor wanted to clarify. "We did," you confirmed. "You don't always refer every patient here though, right? My wife got pregnant via IVF and miscarried," Sarah explained. Her gaze didn't leave the doctor. "I'm very sorry to hear that, my apologies. That is true, but there's a certain window we consider the most fertile age for a woman to carry a pregnancy." You looked to Sarah, knowing that comment had to hurt her. "I tried first and couldn't do it," you reminded the doctor. "My wife wanted to carry. The other doctors said she hadn't started menopause yet. She has no major health problems. There's no reason why she couldn't get pregnant at her age," a spat defensively. "Honey," Sarah spoke softly, but when she reached out to grasp your hand, you'd pulled away. "I'm in no way trying to insult your choice. Pregnancy is a beautiful thing. We just want to keep you and baby healthy and free of all potential problems that could happen during pregnancy." She noticed your hands shaking as the doctor got up to grab the sonogram equipment and doppler. "Breathe," she whispered, squeezing your hand. The doctor easily found the baby's heartbeat and the sound filled the room. "Amazing," the doctor responded. "As time goes on we can check for any genetic conditions," she explained. Sarah nodded slightly as the doctor conducted the sonogram. "That's one strong baby," she said encouragingly. Your wife's heart filled with joy and love at the sight of the baby on the screen. "Would you like to know what it is? I can see the sex pretty easily," the doctor offered. Sarah smiled brightly and turned to you. "Wanna find out? Or you can find out and you can put it in a cake!" You still sat with a tense demeanor. "Love," your wife prompted you again. "I don't care, do what you want," you said dismissively before getting up and leaving the room. Sarah felt something crush in her chest and bit her lip to prevent from crying. The doctor didn't know what to say, so she cleaned the gel up. "Your blood work looks perfect. Baby's healthy and so are you. All you can really do is take care of yourself and hopefully all will work itself out," she advised encouragingly. Sarah nodded and took a tissue after the doctor had left - a soft sob leaving her body.

You'd found your way to the parking garage and grabbed a cigarette from your very secret stash in your car. Sarah finally got up and found her way back to the parking garage with no help from you. "How'd it go?" you asked when you saw her walk out. She ignored you and immediately got in the car. "It smells -" she moved to the glove compartment finding the packs you'd been hiding. "What the fuck?" she swore. "Why? Why do you have these? Why do you smell like stale cigarettes? Why were you being such an asshole in there?" she demanded. "I'm sorry," you mumbled. "Take me home. Or move over and I'll drive." You slumped into the passenger seat. "You were rude in there and nothing like yourself. I realize this is painful for you, but there's a growing person inside me. I try to do everything right. I do those online pilates, I only drink one oreo milkshake a week, even when you were trying I quit everything to try to make myself as healthy as possible. I know it hurts - but this baby is the same as that baby, it's just a different body carrying it," she explained. "It's not the same!" you explained. "It's not the same, Sarah. It's," you stopped, taking in a deep breath, furiously wiping the tears. "Why don't you love this baby if you loved the first one?" Sarah asked. Her tone of voice shattered your heart. Sarah sniffled softly. "I love you, more than anyone. I loved you just as much when you were pregnant. I still love you. Every time I look down or touch my stomach or feel the baby I think of you," she said, wiping some of her tears. "This baby would never be here without you. I never would've wanted to get pregnant. I'm in my forties," she reminded you. "But I'm so glad we did. I'm so glad that this little amazing person found their way into me." Sarah moved her hand to her bump. "I have never felt more love in my life and this is something you deserve to experience some day. I love you. All the time, with my whole heart. Let me do that. Don't push me. Don't treat me poorly and don't you dare resent me for carrying our baby," she said sternly. You wiped your eyes and reached over to wipe one of Sarah's away. "I do love you. I hate being here. All I remember is Evan walking me in and worrying about disappointing you. It made it even harder that I used your egg. I felt like I - I don't know like you trusted me with something so precious. And I let it fall to pieces - broke myself in the process." You moved your hand over Sarah's. "You know that I think you're the strongest person in the world for doing this. And I thank you for it."Your wife looked at you with teary eyes. "I'm sorry that I left. I'm sorry that I made you cry," you admitted, stroking your wife's cheek gently. "Let's go home. But don't think you're getting a free pass on the cigarettes."


	14. Ch. 14

Sarah knew you'd been distant since the blowup, but she also tried her best to smother you with extra love. "Is it too early, though?" she asked, looking up through the plans. "Is it ever too early for the gender reveal party? And right before Christmas and right before your birthday," you pointed out.

It didn't take very long to figure out the theme given the time of year. On that specific day, you'd felt a little off, but refused to ruin the day for your wife. "I look gigantic in anything - you're crazy if you think I'm wearing a dress to this," she exclaimed, standing in the bedroom in your big t-shirt and her underwear. "You don't look gigantic, you just look pregnant. You're tiny - you should've figured you'd pop. "I think you look incredible," you offered. "Still not wearing a dress, nice try though."

The guests had arrived and the decorations were up. You wished that seeing it all didn't send a twinge of 'this should've been me' through you. You were happy - overjoyed even that it'd all seemed to be working out; that the two of you would become mothers at last. You watched your wife greet her guests with as much wit and grace as usual. You two went through the traditional baby shower activities; lots of guessing games and baby themed games. You two had purchased a large balloon and had Amanda take the results to a store to get balloons filled with confetti for the reveal. You both stood near the balloon, Amanda handing it to Sarah. "There you go, wifey," Amanda said with a smile. Sarah handed it over to you and gratefully to the knife from her mother. She smiled brightly and stabbed the balloon three times, letting out a squeal once the confetti started to fly across the yard. "A girl!" Amanda exclaimed, placing her hands on Sarah's shoulders and pulling her in for a big hug. The pink confetti quickly covered everything and your heart had never been so full. Your wife finally broke from her best friend to give you a big kiss. "I love you," she said gratefully, squeezing your hand. "Thank you for doing this with me. This is unbelievable." You'd never seen anything as beautiful as your wife's face that day. "You are the love of my life," you assured her and planted a kiss on the back of her hand.


	15. Ch. 15

You'd both basically agreed on a name very shortly after finding out what the baby would be. "Catharine would be so easy," you reasoned. "It's the perfect name, honey." Sarah re-situated herself in bed. "You really think so, you'd be okay with that?" Sarah asked. "Of course I would be," you confirmed with a reassuring squeeze. "It wouldn't feel right to name her anything else."

"To the birthday girl!" Amanda toasted. "The only one drinking sparkling cider," Zach pointed out humorously. Sarah beamed as you appeared from the kitchen with Elizabeth, who'd been given the duty of carrying the cake. "She needs a big piece," you reminded the friend cutting the birthday cake. Sarah leaned back in her chair, a grateful expression on her face. "I just want to say that I love you all and I'm so thankful you could spend tonight with us," she said, squeezing your hand.

You made sure your wife had her cake and once everyone left you two found yourselves in bed again. "Today was great," you heard Sarah say from her spot on the bed. "I'm so glad you had fun," you called back. "Come here." You joined your wife on the bed. A sleepy smile covered her face. "Give me your hand." You reached out to take Sarah's hand and watched as she led it to her stomach. "Just wait," she said, stretching back a little. Sarah sighed dramatically. "Catharine Paulson," she warned. You moved your hand over your wife's bump. "Relax. She knows we're watching." Sarah tried to relax her body and the two of you moved into a bed-time position. "Remind me again why we thought our daughter would listen to us?" your wife asked sleepily. "Sh. She's had a big day - she'd had to see so many relatives, of course, she's tired," you responded teasingly. "Don't listen to your - are you mama or mommy?" Sarah asked sleepily. You kissed her head. "Sleep. You've had a big day." It didn't take long for Sarah to succumb to her exhaustion. You watched the little breaths leave your wife and for the first time in a while felt fully content.


End file.
